


maybe we get through this undefeated

by vividxpages



Series: if all our life is but a dream [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Boys In Love, Dissociation, Evan is not doing well, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Ice Cream Dates, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Waffles, and they lived happily ever after, or maybe not?, the boys deserve a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 11:34:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30088464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vividxpages/pseuds/vividxpages
Summary: Evan Hansen should`ve been okay by now.This is a little epilogue to "if all our life is but a dream", so to avoid spoilers and general confusion you might want to head over there first, before reading this <3
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: if all our life is but a dream [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199309
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	maybe we get through this undefeated

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to wallows while writing this and thought their song "Are you bored yet?" fits this PERFECTLY! 'Will you tell the truth so I don´t have to lie`? I mean, come on!!?
> 
> Consider this a little present for all the people who read/are reading "if all our life is but a dream", I love all of you for welcoming me so warmly on AO3 <33

Evan Hansen should´ve been okay by now.

When he thought about it, and he did that a lot, he always liked to imagine a calendar where he could tear away the pages, day after day where he didn’t wake up in another life. Just a perfectly normal day in his senior year of high school, starting with Connor and Zoe picking him up in the morning, followed by endless hours of boring classes and breaks with his friends. It was super ordinary and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

Him and Connor, despite Connor´s worries and fears, did have a good start into the new school year and they´ve gotten good grades so far and they had amazing friends and spend a lot of time together. Zoe often joked how the two of them were practically joined by the hip.

And Connor slept over a lot, which was always nice and usually they would watch TV and order pizza, cuddling in bed together and whispering words under the fluffy blankets until they would fall asleep. Sometimes worn out from an exhausting school day, sometimes after they…had done other things that tend to make you sleepy.

Evan was in love. More than ever.

So, it should’ve been alright by now.

It´s what he told himself in the mirror every day, with more or less success, depending on how bad the night had been for him.

After Evan woke up on the first day of senior year and was reunited with Connor in the middle of his living room, both a mess of tears and relief, exactly one week had been fine. After it, the nightmares had started.

He _knew_ there was no solid rule on how long it was appropriate to cope after a traumatic experience. And Evan _wanted_ to feel better, so badly, to finally snap out of the sheer horror he´d experienced in the different lives he had seen, because it now had been eight full weeks since Connor and him fixed the reality that almost had split up their world forever. _Weeks_ since he escaped the endless circle of travelling through different lives, meeting different Connors under different circumstances.

But he was still waking up in the middle of the night, shaking like a leaf and disoriented, because he believed he somehow managed to get sucked back in, into another life where he didn’t belong and Connor wasn’t-

“Hey.”  
Evan´s head snapped up from blankly staring at the table in front of him. He was met with Connor´s soft smile, just getting back from collecting their order. He watched as Connor slid in the smallest booth of A La Mode.

Somewhere in the background, he heard the loud humming of an ice cream machine and other customers talking.

And, _oh_.

Right.

It was Evan´s idea, spending the weekend together and starting it off with a visit to their favorite ice cream place. Ironically, he meant it to invite Connor as a small apology for acting weird over the past weeks and avoiding any conversation that included Evan´s state of mind at the moment.

And great job, Evan, because there he was, next to his unbelievably great boyfriend, still acting all jumpy and haunted. Connor didn’t deserve that.

He placed to big sundaes on their table and sat down next to him, until their thighs touched under the table. A small kiss was placed against his cheek. Evan tried to concentrate on the lingering feeling of it, closed his eyes, but it was hard to get a grasp.

This was another thing that’s been happening recently. Evan struggled to stay in the present moment, his mind always tending to drift away from his reality.

“Hey, you.” Evan replied and did his best impression of a carefree smile.

Connor´s wearing all things black, and he was like a dark splotch in this bright, pastel place, and Evan thought about that one life, one of the firsts, where he met Connor right here, but Connor was standing behind the counter with a ridiculously pink apron uniform thingy and they ended up talking until Connor´s shift ended.

He hadn’t told Connor that story yet.

Instead, he now listened to Connor who talked excitingly and in detail about a new art program for young people from their state and his eyes shone with anticipation, because he thought about applying, and Evan almost didn’t recognize him, because eight weeks earlier Connor had told him about how hopeless he had imagined his own future. How it had seemed so hopeless that he thought about some pills in his drawer, picking up an old habit, almost long forgotten but still there.

Evan´s stomach cramped up and the ice cream suddenly tasted like nothing.

_Snap out of it._

He focused on Connor, who was still talking, and how proud he was of his boyfriend, so proud and in desperate need of happier things to think about that he leaned over to kiss Connor, who let out a surprised sigh. He tasted like mint ice cream and Evan barely resisted just licking into his mouth to taste him fully.

They parted, too soon for Evan´s taste and Connor laughed deeply. “What was that for?”

“Do I need a reason to kiss my unbelievable cute boyfriend?” Evan countered teasingly.

“No.” Connor just replied breathless and pulled him back in again, and this time Evan was the one to sigh deeply, because Connor always knew how to lean his head just right, lips sliding against his own perfectly and he let out this small noise right into Evan´s mouth and this singlehandedly made up for all the sleepless nights he had this week.

“You taste like strawberries.” Connor observed a bit breathless, pupils blown with something that made Evan´s knees go weak. Thank god, he was already sitting down, because Connor surely would turn him into a pile of melting mush if he kept kissing him like this.

“Sir, this is a Wendy´s.” Evan mumbled, grinning.

They giggled and the conversation returned to more lighter topics, they were good at that.

It was unfortunate, but Evan was determined to not lay his problems on Connor. Because yes, inside of Evan´s head was a storm brewing, but he also remembered very vividly how devastated Connor had been during their encounter in New York. It was one of the lowest points on their journey, and Evan could still feel his heart ache when he thought about the fact that Connor had to endure that all alone, especially after having such a bad night in advance.

He refused to lay all the sleepless nights and their shadows on Connor.

Connor thought the same about Evan, but neither of them knew it yet.

The thing was, they hadn’t talked about it, not really.

And in Evan´s eyes they didn’t need to, because Connor was doing a lot better now.

Since they talked about what happened or rather what _didn’t_ happen before the first day of senior year, Connor seemed to kind of make peace with the situation. He laughed a lot, especially with Zoe, and he still wanted to be near Evan and kiss him and touch him, and Evan knew he booked two or three extra appointments with his therapist, but Connor was okay.

And Evan didn’t want to recall bad memories or trigger him with anything, so he stayed silent.

Still, he couldn’t shake it.

Behind every corner they passed these days, a memory from a past life seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Two sundaes later, Evan counted at least a dozen memories, while they made their way back to Evan´s house.

He watched Connor drive, the heater of his car making his cheeks go red. He was definitely staring, but he didn’t notice, kind of zoning out again and chewing on his lips until he tasted metal and a secure hand grabbing his fidgeting hands.

“Hey.” There it was again. Connor sounded so worried lately.

And Evan didn’t want that, because Connor shouldn’t worry about him, he was here, they were both here and they´d made it. They were safe and together and Evan was acting ridiculous, he didn’t even notice when his lip started bleeding.

“Are you okay?”

_You’ve been distant lately._

_Zoe noticed as well._

_Is it me?_

_Are you…not in love with me anymore?_

Connor bit down on his cheek to stop the insecurities from escaping, inspecting Evan with wide eyes that looked right into his very soul.

Evan nodded and squeezed his delicate hand, rubbing over the smooth nail polish. “I´m good. Just a little tired.”

_Get your shit together, Evan._

This weekend, he was going to be a good boyfriend to Connor and he wouldn’t wake up screaming and trembling from fear, he was going to stay put together until it was okay again. He was going to be okay, for Connor. And himself.

It was the last thought he had before they both went to bed, breathing in each other´s air and cuddling close until nothing could separate them anymore, their loud and pounding hearts pressed together, their own kind of lullaby.

* * *

Evan woke up alone.

He didn’t realize it for the first couple of seconds, because sleep still had him in its grasp. He burrowed his face into his pillow and groaned, there was a splotch of sunshine tickling his cheek and the house was completely silent.

He reached out a hand, to feel Connor who was still curled up in the sheets beside him and Evan wondered why they didn’t wake up intertwined with each other like they usually did. Most of the time there was no space between him, Connor´s face well-hidden in Evan´s neck, slow puffs of air tickling the warm skin there.

He reached around and felt…nothing.

Evan turned around and saw that Connor´s side of the bed was empty, no print in the size of a head on the pillow next to him. His body turned cold in a matter of seconds.

“Con?” His voice was too small to be heard, but there was no one in his room to listen anyway and as Evan sat up and looked around, he wondered if Connor ever was here.

_This feels wrong._

He could’ve sworn that he fell asleep next to Connor last night, both of them sleepy and too lazy to turn out the light on Evan´s bedside table, but the lamp was off right now and Connor wasn’t sleeping beside him and the sheets looked like no one had ever laid there and this was wrong, because Evan couldn’t imagine these things, there had to be a realistic explanation for that, but he felt panic rising in his chest and it was getting harder to breathe.

Did it happen again?

No, not possible.

It was _not_ possible, but the first time it happened it didn’t seem possible either and it still happened, so what if it happened again and Evan was alone now, because Connor wasn’t there anymore and maybe he never had been-

Evan tried to steady his breathing but all that came out was a heaving gasp and he stood up on shaking legs and crept down the hallway slowly, at the pace of a snail, but that was all he could manage at this point.

He thought about all the lives where he started the day just like that, creeping cautiously down the stairs, weary of what he could possibly find. He remembered seeing Heidi, sitting next to a stranger at the breakfast table and he remembered not seeing Heidi, waking up alone and having to figure out what happened on his own.

But never Connor.

In all the lives, he never saw Connor first.

Suddenly, it all came back to him, like he was dunked into ice cold water, forced to hold his breath until his heart slowed down.

In some lives, Connor was in love with him, but these were the easy ones and Evan hated himself that he forgot about them so soon after they had ended.

In some lives, Connor hated him, screaming at him in the middle of their school hallway, face red and eyes flaming with anger, because Evan had stared too long, completely in shock over the fact that Connor didn’t know him. Not really.

In some lives, they were strangers, forever. There was not much to say about it, because Evan had never felt so lifeless without a person by his side, ever. It had felt like slowly dying.

In some lives, Connor got hurt or didn’t remember him after an accident, spending hours and hours in a hospital, laying under white blankets, dark hair sprawled out on the pillow. One motionless hand held by Evan.

In some lives, Connor was dead.

And in others, he got hit by a car, stabbed in the stomach, tripped and fell, got beaten up until he couldn’t fight back anymore.

Killed himself.

And every single time Evan was too late, sometimes only seconds so he still witnessed the moment the light in Connor´s beautiful eyes went out forever.

And in some way, Evan´s light had gone out as well.

What if it happened again?

What would he do now?

It was getting harder and harder to breathe and Evan had no idea how he managed to crawl down the stairs, but now, as Evan rounded the corner and peaked into the living room, Connor was standing in the kitchen, with his back turned to him. He still wore pajamas and he hummed along to some song playing on the radio.

The sun flooded the room with warm light and his messy hair looked almost golden, like he was bathed in an ethereal glow.

Evan smelled something delicious and as Connor moved around, not aware that he was being watched, he caught sight of a full plate of steaming waffles with strawberries.

Evan blinked confused.

Because, right.

Last night Evan had mentioned on the brink of sleep that he hadn’t eaten waffles since forever.

And apparently, Connor got up early to make them for Evan, because he wanted to surprise him.

Evan felt extremely stupid, and maybe if he wasn’t so fucking scared, he would’ve even laughed, because he seriously thought he had travelled and lost his normal life again, but it was just…way too soon for that.

He let out a shakingly sigh and Connor turned around, greeting him with a big smile and saying with a raspy voice: “Good Morning. I made waffles for you!” He gave his best impression of jazz hands and pointed at the plate of waffles.

And Evan just-

Burst into tears, right on the spot in the living room while the radio was still playing.

He didn’t have the willpower to hold himself up anymore, because this was too much, this whole morning, and he was sure that his whole face was red from shame and crying.

“I´m sorry, I´m so sorry” He sobbed over and over again, chest tight from all the tears and he covered his mouth with both hands, shaking all over and close to just lying down on the floor, but suddenly two strong arms enveloped him in a hug, gently cradling him against a sturdy chest.

Mahogany hair brushed against Evan`s wet cheek and stuck to it and when he breathed in, everything was Connor once more.

Connor, who held him and whispered comforting words into his hair, saying that he was there and everything was going to be okay, but Evan really needed to breathe with him.

Connor, who was here right in front of him and not ripped away by a cruel, cruel world. Evan felt his frantic heartbeat under his ear and his hands were so calm, gently caressing his back to soothe him and Connor was so wonderfully alive, but…still.

“Ev, what happened?” Connor whispered and placed a hand on the back on his head, without any pressure or impatience. He knew Connor wouldn’t make him talk about it, but he did deserve an explanation after Evan ruined his surprise. He felt very, very guilty and once more thought that Connor didn’t deserve his shit.

“I-“ Evan struggled to form the words correctly, but he soldiered on. “I thought you were _gone_.”

Connor leaned back, but only so far that he could look at Evan´s tearful eyes, his own eyes filled with something untamed.

“Why would you think that, Ev?” He sounded heartbroken, and fuck, this was Evan´s fault, he made Connor feel bad now because he overreacted. “I was just downstairs; I would never leave you.”

“It´s not…” Evan let out a long puff of air and tried again. “It´s not like you would have a choice. I thought it happened again. The travelling. That that´s why you were…not in bed.”

And then it occurred to Connor, he blinked and his eyes suddenly widened and it looked like he would start crying now as well, and Evan didn’t want that, this wasn’t what he had imagined at all when he planned the weekend. He fucked it up so badly, he just wanted to punch himself.

“Fuck, Evan, I…” Connor shook his head and moved his fingers through his messy hair, getting stuck and pulling too hard. “I didn’t even…fuck! I didn’t think about that, I´m so sorry, I didn’t want to scare you like this, I just thought-“

Evan watched horrified how Connor´s eyes glistened with unshed tears, and in his loss for words, Connor just pointed over his shoulder and concluded helplessly: “I just wanted to make you waffles.”

_I just wanted to see you happy._

And no, this should be Evan´s line, because Connor didn’t do anything wrong, it was him who overreacted and acted like a scared little child.

“It´s alright, it´s alright.” Evan sniffled and tried to wave the subject off. “I´m just…it´s totally okay now, I just overreacted.”

Connor´s brows furrowed. “Bullshit.” He said a hint too harsh and quickly rubbed his back in soothing circles. “How long have you been feeling like this, Ev?”

And no, not this.

Evan didn’t want to break his heart like this.

Their thing had always been being open and honest to one another, and it was only now that Evan realized how bad he´d fucked that rule over.

“S-seven weeks.” The words were barely audible, but Connor heard them anyway. Evan could tell, because Connor´s eyes widened in horror and his bottom lip wobbled, before he forcefully bit down on it, trying to stay calm and strong for him.

Both of them didn’t say anything for a long time.

“You´re mad at me.” Not a question, Evan was completely sure of it. If Connor wanted to scream at him, he would take it as well. Everything was better than the blank stare Connor had on his face.

“Let´s just…” Evan watched as Connor gathered their plates and gave him a tired smile. “Let´s just go upstairs, okay? I wanna stay in bed until your mom gets home.”

Evan followed him in defeat, shoulders sunken in and eyes itching from crying so much.

They wouldn’t fix anything down here, not after their feelings were basically put into a mixer on the highest setting. Might as well move to somewhere comfier than the kitchen floor.

Evan closed the door to his room quietly behind him. Connor already slumped down under the blankets and let out a deep sigh that Evan couldn’t quiet place.

Was Connor angry with him? Did he have enough, because Evan was making such slow process and held him back from being happy?

“You´re thinking way too loud, Ev.” Connor mumbled softly and Evan realized he was still lingering in the door, which was weird because Connor was laying in his bed and usually Evan wouldn’t hesitate to join him, but now he wasn’t sure if that´s something Connor would want after-

He heard the rustling of the blankets and looked up to see that Connor held the blanket open with one hand, gesturing Evan to join him. “C`mere.”

Something deep inside of him eased up when Evan laid down on his side of the bed, clumsily rolling around until he was positioned on his side and he was able to glance at Connor who intently watched the small glow stars on the ceiling, like they knew an answer to fix them.

But, no, Evan wasn’t something that should be fixed because he was broken, he was allowed to feel like this and Connor probably didn’t think about it like that as well, Connor loved him, but now this was a thought that only found a very rocky way into his brain.

He hated his brain right now.

Evan closed his eyes and was shocked when cool fingers touched his cheek, catching a single tear rolling down.

Connor was already looking at him.

“I wished you´d tell me earlier about all of this.” Connor confessed sadly and caressed Evan´s reddening cheeks. “And I wished _I_ had told you the truth much earlier, so you didn’t feel like you had to lie to me.”

“I´m sorry.” Evan´s words were full of regret.

Connor shook his head, pressed a small kiss to his wet cheek.

“Don´t be. You´re allowed to feel like this and you don’t have to ever pretend around me, because…I feel like this as well.” Connor whispered. “It´s slowly getting better, but for the first weeks I was fucking terrified it would happen again. You…there were a lot of times where we barely knew each other. We were strangers and sometimes never met at all. And it was scary to know that…somewhere another version of myself never gets the chance to truly know you. But even scarier-“

Connor choked down a gasp and Evan moved closer, flinging an arm over Connor´s belly and holding on tight.

“I couldn’t save you.” Connor´s voice was absolutely shattered. “Sometimes I got there too late or couldn’t do anything to…stop you from-“

“You don’t have to say it.”

Evan knew exactly what he was talking about.

So, he told Connor.

Told him everything, the highs and lows of his journeys.

Maybe for the first time, they really talked about what happened to them while they were still separated, before and after they had shortly met in New York.

It was a lot, and felt excruciating, exhausting them to the bone, but it was like cleaning a deep wound that had been neglected for too long.

It was healing, in a way.

And they did it together.

* * *

For the next few hours, they drifted in and out of sleep, too exhausted to move a finger and only rearranging to cuddle closer.

Now, their hands were intertwined and the blankets were huddled to their feet, because they got too hot from being under it for so long.

„Did you know that Jared eats his waffles rolled like a joint?” Connor mumbled and stared up at Evan`s ceiling where the little yellow glow stars slowly came to life. “I mean, I don’t know if he does it here also, but he did in another life.”

“We could ask him.”

From the surprised look Connor didn’t manage to hide, Evan supposed he knew what he was implying.

“Nobody would believe us, Ev. They´re probably going to think we`re fucking nuts.”

“But maybe we´re not alone. I thought about this often when we were still travelling. Maybe this happens to a lot of people and none of them have anyone to talk to about it. Maybe some people only travel once or only for a very short span of time and they wake up thinking it was just a dream.”

“It wasn’t just a dream.” Connor said gravely. “In dreams you can`t get hurt. They end whenever something terrible happens. This thing just kept moving on.”

Evan chewed on his lip, deeply in thought. “What if it happens again? What if there is another reality where things go wrong and everything splits up again?”

“It won`t.”

“Just because you don’t _want_ it to happen again, doesn’t mean it´s impossible.”

“It _won´t_ happen again, Evan.” Connor snapped, a notch too loud.

They blinked at each other.

Suddenly Connor looked like he hadn’t slept in years. “Look, I…I can´t let it happen, okay? I feel like I´m not cut out enough for that, I can´t go through this again, I-”

“Con…” Evan reached out again, and softly pulled on Connor´s shoulder, tucking him against his chest. He didn’t know who was comforting who anymore, but he didn’t need to know. Deep inside, he was relieved the truth came out like this. At least now, they´re honest to each other. The way it was supposed to be.

“It´s just…” Connor shook his head and shuffled around to look up into Evan´s eyes. “How can we possibly move on from this?”

It was a question Evan couldn’t answer, not yet.

But he tried his best. It´s what Evan did.

“You´re here.” Evan said, like a question. An offer.

Connor nodded thoughtfully. “I am.”

“And I´m here too.” Definitely a question.

“You are.” Connor replied anyways and rested his hands on Evan´s sides, squeezing once to underline his point.

“Good.” Evan finished raspy and smiled at him. “That´s good enough for me. And I won´t leave, unless you want me too.”

Connor laughed unsteady. “I´m pretty sure that´s the last thing I would ever want.”

“Alright, that´s settled.” Evan wriggled closer until their noses touched. “Not leaving. I love you, like…so much.”

“More than waffles with strawberries?”

“Definitely, unless they´re rolled like a joint.”

And after everything that happened in the last hours, they both giggled, moving closer until their lips touched and all of Evan´s fears were drowned out by Connor`s touch.

Maybe this could be the start of moving on, finally letting go of all the past lives that had kept Evan from sleeping so long.

And now, as he could feel Connor smiling against his lips, Evan thought it was sort of comforting to know that across a million lifetimes, this was the one where he was allowed to stay.

They were going to be okay.


End file.
